I Do Not Ask Forgiveness
by lrhaboggle
Summary: Elphaba has spent her whole life seeking forgiveness and now, with her latest quest yielding no results after 10 years, she begins to look elsewhere for forgiveness and realizes that although she may need it for most of her life's deeds, maybe there is one that she can cling to as a genuinely good deed. (Book-verse, based off the Abby M. poem "Heaven Above/Below")


"Father, I have sinned..."

Elphaba knelt in one of the chapels to the Unnamed God that stood on the edge of the Emerald City. It had been so long since she'd been in either location, Emerald City or Chapel! Yet here she was, nearly a decade later. But why? Why now? Why was she back? And why here, of all places? She wasn't religious! Never had been, never would. That had been her father and sister's area. But maybe that was why. Maybe this was her way of trying to come back, come home, because there was no place like it and Heaven knew she had been far away from any semblance of it for quite a long time. So no, maybe she wasn't here to actually pray or convert, but simply out of habit. Or maybe she _was_ here to pray... Not to some _one_ , but for some _thing_. The one other unnamed thing in her life that she had wanted for that whole life but had yet to ever find: forgiveness.

"For I have loved a woman without fear..."

Well. That was unexpected. Although this was definitely one of Elphaba's many, many, many sins and shortcomings, this had not been the one she thought she would've mentioned. If anything, she thought she might've mentioned the _man_ she had loved without fear. After all, it was her affair with him that had led to the mess she was in today. Wasn't that what she needed forgiveness for the most? Aside from all her other sins, of course. But then why did she feel more inclined to speak about the female lover she hadn't thought, seen, or heard about in an even longer timeframe than her male lover? Well, she didn't quite know. All that she knew was that today, he was not on her mind, but she was.

"Loved her with all the fires of Hell burning inside me."

The witch drew a green hand to a black-clad chest. She could feel that painful inferno swirling in her chest, drying her heart and burning it to ash, but even after nothing was left inside, the fire continued to glow, spitting off columns of light. The tongues of fire continued to lick up her hollow insides and the pain was slightly numb now, since there was nothing left to sear away at. She was just somewhat impressed that the fire refused to die, even after all of its fuel seemed to have been burned up. Or had it? Because as Elphaba continued to clutch at her chest, she could only think of the Woman that she loved, and those thoughts alone brought the fire back a bit hotter and more painful than before.

"I have loved a woman with open palms,"

The green woman confessed, unthinkingly unfolding her hands and facing them upward to Heaven, but whether she was doing this to bear her guilt or to display her passionate pleasure was unknown both to her and the God to whom she was praying.

"Open legs.

"Rolling hips."

She closed her eyes, not in piety, but memory. The warmth of her, Glinda, the strength of Glinda, the power of Glinda, the rhythm of Glinda, the vulnerability of Glinda, the openness of Glinda. All of those paradoxes combining in a perfect harmony, swaddled in the bed sheets of the Shiz dorm room and nurtured by the fire that burned within Elphaba's core. The sheets had long been stripped away, the dorm's lock changed for a new key, the beds covered in new blankets, but that fire was still the same. It was still green, the red tints looking pink, and the fumes smelling almost sweet and flowery. Even after the pink had turned blue and begun to smell musky and wild, like the western plains, the pink was still there, and it had come back now, after the blue had burned out. Then those eyes opened again, cold, hard and sharp. Almost defiant.

"And _no_ apology..."

"Father, I have sinned,"

The green woman repeated, voice just as flat and pitchless as before, but a bit different than deadpanning. Instead, this was almost a statement, her tone no longer sarcastic, but matter-of-fact. A confession, but not one of guilt, rather, one of plain and simple truth.

"For I have shunned your churches,"

She said, looking around at the wooden panels and stained glass. The steeple, the chapel, the pews, the Holy Books and hymnals in every single one. This was a place whose layout she had memorized, yet was never a place she went to, not really. Maybe her body was forced there by her father, but her soul (whatever that was, and if they were real and if she had one) certainly had never been in a church in all of her 30ish years of life.

"And scorned your priests,"

Although none were present, she could see the stuffy old men in their stuffy old robes of virtue. How she hated them! And their stupid books that they toted. But their noses were always in the air, so how did they ever even read what was in those books that they lauded so much? She could see her father, somehow so pious but also so prideful. She could hear his sermons and quotations and she continued to wonder how he was ever able to have such faith in something he could not interact with. And how he could dare act so saintly when her mere existence was a burning reminder of his sinful nature? Did he ever read the book he preached from so fervently?

"I have disgraced Adam and Eve,"

Elphaba said next, turning to a mural on one of the walls of the chapel in which she prayed. It was masterpiece! Lovely to behold and obviously done with painstaking love and care. But the one thing more beautiful than Adam was Eve and more beautiful than her was the fruit hanging from its branch. It was one of her father's favorite stories, told to remind her of her sinful nature. Oh, but they never talked about his sinful nature, just hers. It was her fault she was born and born green, not his or his wife's fault for being unfaithful. Adam and Eve were as sinful as her parents, but it was only ever her conception that was talked about as being the problem.

"With my poisoned apple..."

But then, Elphaba really didn't have much room to complain about infidelity. Wasn't that why she was here? Because of Glinda? And that man, Fiyero? And the fact that she still pined over Glinda even after her entanglement with Fiyero? After all, it was Glinda that had driven Elphaba here to beg forgiveness, wasn't it? Even though it should've been Fiyero? So perhaps that was just another sin Elphaba needed forgiveness for: asking forgiveness for the wrong thing. And honestly, the longer Elphaba knelt there, the more she began to wonder if she oughtn't ask forgiveness for ever starting an affair with Fiyero at all, because it was coming to her growing realization that the only she'd ever loved him was because he reminded her of Glinda. After her departure from Glinda, Fiyero's surprise visit had been the closest thing Elphaba had had to seeing Glinda again. So maybe she did love Fiyero, but what if that love had only stemmed from a deeper problem: her love for Glinda? Even after all that time... In short, what if she had chosen Adam simply because she wanted Eve? Eve was Elphaba's own Apple, then, wasn't she?

"Sweeter than your manna..."

A black-lipped smile crossed a green-skinned face under the brim of a big black hat. She could see in her mind's eye, that sinful apple. Its perfect red roundness, its smooth and perfect feeling in her hand, its sweet and fresh scent of nature and life, and its taste. It was red, a close color to pink than blue. And oh, its taste! It was sweet and juicy, filling and flavorful. It tasted like pink lipstick and was warm and clean and fresh in her hands and mouth. Was it what Eve had tasted when she took that first fateful bite? And if so, did Eve ever regret her mistake? Or had that one second with the apple been worth the punishment that followed? Was it so sweet and intoxicating as that stupid little Glinda girl had been to Elphaba?

"And freer than your garden,"

Elphaba smiled, now remembering all the wild romps she and Glinda had enjoyed back when they were still roommates at Shiz, so madly in love. Every walk near a moonlit river, every run through a beautiful garden, their own paradise, every exploration in a new park, each prettier than the last. Surely Eden could never have compared for Eden never had Glinda. Eden was constrained, one small garden with rules and borders and a merciless man in charge. With Glinda at Shiz, it was a new Eden every day and there was no fear in any of them. And it was just them. It was Adam and Eve, minus the Unnamed God. It was the forest, the garden, the foliage, the fruit, and no sin or Serpent. Just endless possibility.

"My own personal genesis..."

The green woman had since opened her eyes and raised her head again. In this church, she felt hollow, cold and dead. With Glinda, she had felt like one coming to life, a resurrection of love as powerful as the Unnamed God's. When she was with Glinda, she became who she always was and who she was supposed to be. It really was her own genesis, only this time she was both creator and creation. It was freedom and birth with no strings attached. She got to choose her own path, no forgiveness or mistakes happened or needed amending. It was just Elphaba and Glinda in their own little paradise, nothing else. It was a paradise her father could never comprehend because in his mind, paradise was a sinner who got forgiveness after groveling (not that he ever groveled himself!). In Elphaba's paradise, however, it was the absence of needing forgiveness at all.

"Father, I have sinned,"

Elphaba uttered for the third time, but this time, she was almost smirking, happy, as a new resolve and understanding filled her heart.

"But you will not find me on my knees,"

She said, slowly rising from the old alter.

"You will find me on my feet,"

She looked up at the shining symbol hanging before her. It was beautiful, but she would not kneel to stone. She would only kneel to flesh. Glinda's. And she began to see that she had not come here to be converted or to speak with the UG. Nor had she even become to beg forgiveness for Fiyero or Glinda. She had come here to speak inwardly and amend her heart, not her soul. To admit the underlying issue at work in her life.

"You will find my hand in hers,"

The young woman vowed, already feeling Glinda's phantom fingers twining with her own, expressing so much based on how she held Elphaba's hand. She was dragging the girl along, holding her close for comfort and support, she was pulling her back in for another kiss, asking her to stay, she was squeezing her hand to show unity, she was gripping the girl's fingers in childish excitement, their hands were held during their most private of moments. Their hands were a symbol of them, and nothing else. All those giggly, girlish moments that were full of a very deep and genuine love. Now Elphaba was wondering if it was possible for her to get that back, or to at least make peace with the fact that it meant so much more to her than she had ever let on. She had finally found her problem, now she wanted to fix it.

"I have loved her with defiance,"

Elphaba decided, thinking upon every time someone had laughed at the idea of her being involved with someone like Glinda. The judgement had never bothered her, but that in and of itself was a defiance of sorts, a refusal to adhere to social norms such that the policing that came with those norms had no effect on her. And then, even after she and Glinda had been forced to part ways, Elphaba had still loved Glinda dearly. It might've been that which led to everything else. She never would've thought she would've been so spellbound by someone like Glinda, but Glinda had always been a bit weird too, just in more subtle ways, but Elphaba had caught that weirdness and had loved Glinda all the more for it. Then, if one did consider Fiyero a replacement for Glinda, Elphaba's tryst with him had been an act of defiance too, a refusal to let Glinda go.

"I have screamed from lips that drip with love and lust!"

Elphaba's breathing grew heavy as she thought of the passion and anguish both that she had screamed in her life. The agony, guilt and despair that was always chorused with the pure ecstasy and the sense of fullness and pleasure. Her mouth was always open and never soundless, screaming out everything she felt even if no one was there to hear. From the day she was born to the day she met and lost both Glinda and Fiyero, she had screamed, the only thing changing being the tone of that cry. Even now, she was still rife with love and lust, masked under a quest for forgiveness. Love and lust had driven her whole life. Elphaba wasn't just living for forgiveness for Fiyero, it was for the love and lust of him and the one she thought of when she was with him. She was still so caught up in the fallout of love and lust even now. But her very birth had been much the same, hadn't it? Her whole life, a cry of love and lust.

"I worship at her alter."

Elphaba said firmly, finally deciding her true allegiance. It was not to Fiyero or the Unnamed God's feet that she fell willingly, it was to Glinda's. It was to Glinda that she had lost all resistance with a blissful and willing smile on her face. It was at Glinda's feet she fell every time, undone by everything that beautiful conundrum of a woman did. It was not anyone else, or even her own delusions of forgiveness. It was Glinda. Maybe she had only ever been too blind to see it until now, looking through the stained-glass windows over the chaotic and crumbling Emerald City. After all, it was love that broke Elphaba every time, refusing to let her live or die. But more specifically, it seemed, it was her love for Glinda that did this. Glinda, her savior and her condemner, her Eden, her Apple, her Serpent, her Angel, her everything. Her freedom and choice. Glinda was the one thing Elphaba didn't regret. No doubt, she was still a sin, but this time, Elphaba did not care.

"Father, I have sinned. And I do not ask forgiveness."

 **AN: I found this poem written in a poetry book published by IU Bloomington's Hutton Honors College. The book was called "Labyrinth" and the poem, written by someone named Abby M, was called "Heaven Above/Below". I just had to write a fic about it because it was such a powerful poem to me. It hit really close to home, and I wanted to share it with everyone else because I think it deserves to be told (and this is coming from a girl who doesn't normally like/read poetry). It's so beautiful and intense, I hope everyone enjoyed.**

 **This is more book-based than musical-based and is when Elphaba is 30-something and Liir is still a boy. It's her trying to reflect upon herself, Fiyero, Glinda and her relationship with all of them. This follows the rarer theory that says Book Elphaba only got involved with Book Fiyero because she was lonely (cough*she missed Glinda*cough). Also, to those who've read the book, they know how big forgiveness is to Elphaba, so the idea that Glinda is the one thing she never wants forgiveness for (because Glinda is the only thing she never considers as a mistake) is pretty big.**


End file.
